Moron! Your Location Sucks

Location, Location, Location – Your business advisor from SCORE was right — location is critical to the success of your business. Whereas a good location may have enabled your struggling business to ultimately survive and thrive, your poor location is the straw that will break the back of this camel of a retail business of yours.

Next time, if you get a next time, pay attention to the following factors:
* Where your customers are
* Traffic, accessibility, parking and lighting
* Location of competitors
* Condition and safety of building
* Local incentive programs for business start-ups in specific targeted areas
* The receptiveness to a new business at a prospective site

Idiot, do your homework before paying for that web site!

Some fool I know recently paid big money to get a web site designed and built before they had written a business plan and before they even understood what role the web site would play in the business. This, my friend, was a major error in business judgment.
Please don’t repeat this mistake. The title for your pages and the keywords that go on each page are very important. Search engines electronically look at the content in the pages of a site and use the title and these keywords to find your site. These are typically the words that your customers will use when they search for a business like yours.
You can’t really write the content until you understand who you will be selling to, generally called your target market; what pain they are suffering; what words they use to describe their pain and this will let you know what product you will sell to alleviate their pain and how they relate to your product and describe it to their counterparts.
Get some advice from someone who specializes in critiquing web sites. Also get a designer who not only knows how to put together something spectacular but who understands the technical requirements of search engine optimization.

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7 Ways To Innovate And Deliver Unique Value To Your Customers

Do you think you’re smart enough to identify new opportunities, react rapidly to changing market conditions and remain competitive especially in tough economic times. Yes you are small and should be agile and be able to quickly adapt to changing market conditions and implement new ways of doing business. But like we said before, you’re an idiot and need a lot of help. So here are seven types of innovation that you may use to bring unique value to your customers.

1. Market driven innovation
If you had any sense, you’d use your tight connection with your marketplace and close relationships with your customers to understand their needs, identify new opportunities, and bring new products or services to the marketplace quickly.

2. Research driven innovation
Sorry you’re not bright enough to use science and technology to bring new products to the marketplace. If you had the brains to identify the needs in the marketplace, this type of innovation typically could produce products which are immediately connected to solving a specific point of pain. As a small business owner, you should be very eager to experiment and improvise, but you we agreed are an idiot.

3. Service driven innovation
Adding a service in order to make it easier to do business or use an existing product. This may not be considered as a new offering and may be packaged with existing offering to improve the way it performs.

4. Competitive driven innovation
This is innovation that is a reaction to what competition is doing in the market. Because small businesses can quickly adapt to changing market conditions this gives them the ability to be able to react to competition quickly.

5. Internal skill set driven
This happens when a small business has workers who are skilled in certain specialty areas and can quickly develop solutions to problems observed in the marketplace which may or may not be directly related to the current product set.

6. Overhead driven
Based on the availability of equipment and the need to get a good return on investment, a small business may try to either use a piece of equipment or subcontract it out thus creating a new service or product in its arsenal.

7. Waste by products driven
There may be by products of a process which can be used to build a new and different product. A small furniture company making a new piece of furniture strictly from waste pieces of wood.

Every small business should have an innovation plan and can use these seven areas as a guide for solving marketplace problems and bringing unique value to customers.

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10 More Stupid Reasons Why Your Restaurant Sucks

1. Idiot, you ignored me when I arrived and now I’m leaving, your nose is still in the guest book. How about noticing and acknowledging your customers.

2. You made me sit in the bar while I could see that you had several open tables and you were not that busy. Obviously you’re trying to get me to buy your overpriced booze.

3. The noise in your bar sucks and the couple of screeching females whose high frequency voices were amplified by the poor acoustics did me in.

4. Your dining room is so quiet, it’s like a morgue.

5. It would help if your wait staff would learn to smile occasionally.

6. The menu font is so small and artistic our

More Reasons Why Your Restaurant Sucks

Forget your crappy wait staff and their lousy attitude. Let’s talk about the rest of it.

My table rocks back and forth and I feel like I’m at sea and need some dramamine. And this after I sat at the bar waiting for the table and the bar stools did the same thing while your tiny-titted barista with the humongous attitude made me feel so important. So I complained to the waitress who obviouly got up on the wrong side of the bed and she looked at me as if I was an idiot but decided to get me another table since obviously she can’t figure out how to put a piece of cardboard or a matchbook under the table legs. Continue reading

What’s Wrong With Small Business Initiatives?

Take the recently announced Goldman Sachs 10,000 Small Businesses Initiative — a $500 million initiative that will unlock the growth and job creation potential of 10,000 small businesses across the United States through greater access to business education, mentors and networks, and financial capital.

It is based on the broadly held view of leading experts that a combination of education, capital and support services best addresses the barriers to growth for small businesses. 10,000 Small Businesses will be guided by an Advisory Council co-chaired by CEO Lloyd C. Blankfein, Warren Buffett, and Dr. Michael Porter of Harvard Business School. Continue reading

So You Saw On Late Night TV That There Are Grants Available

It was late night TV, Moron! They’ll tell you anything you want to hear, sell you every kind of cleaning fluid for polishing your car, and any kind of vacuum cleaner or set of knives and on and on. There are no grants from the government. The government only gives away money to large banks and auto companies. You actually may have a chance at some grant money if you are in the medical delivery business, education delivery or working on a scientific project that can benefit the government. Here are some very basic things that every idiot should know before even thinking of looking for grant money: Continue reading